Why is it that after 2 1/2 years I still feel for the one I can't have? I've never once captured your eyes, let alone your heart; though, you still have the fragmented pieces of my own. You, the one whom broke my heart. You, the one whom I should despise and never think of again, but I do anyway. You, the one who could never love the way I have loved you. You, who's laugh could brighten the world. You, who's sorrow could crush the moon. I don't hate you. I never could. Though, to be honest, I've tried...many times. However, the smile that's not meant for me ensnares my heart. That same heart still aches today. In the beginning it would be so much I would collapse and wish that it would never continue to beat, for life without you was worthless. Tears would flow from my eyes as waterfalls, my fingers wishing to give my heart relief from it's aching in my chest, scratching in vein. Now, the pain is that of a throbbing headache, coming and going. Though I usually do not dream, when I do I wish it to end because I know that you are not real. Oh you, who has shattered my soul, how I long to touch your face, feel you under my fingertips, feel you in these arms once more. But you've long but faded away. I wasn't enough to please you. Your eyes were fixated on another beautiful butterfly. I will never understand how I can be "practically perfect" but still not be what is wanted. I don't want to feel for you anymore. All you have ever brought me is heartache and sadness. My loneliness consumed me as you fought for another, and I was miserable with you. But, God, I've never loved anyone as much as I've loved you. I hope that one day I can rid myself of this pointless yearning because I can't stand it. I love you.... still...it pains me to say that, however, it's true. I wish I could be with you. But butterflies are more beautiful than I. Will it all end when I kiss this world goodbye?
Friday, December 13, 2013
Hello and welcome to my blog! This is were I will be posting about my one sided love. I figured if I must do something to keep my head from swallowing me with its feelings then I should spit them out and hope someone relates. So without further ado here is my first Confession: Some back story to this: I've been in love with the same person for almost 6 years now, we met in high school through mutual friend 1, we tried dating and he broke up with me for another woman, she broke up with him and is now with someone else, he and I both feel the same way, however he feels for her as I feel for him. December 12th 2013 Tonight I woke up and went to work with a less than thrilling start. I've miss placed my charger and though I think I know where it is, I can't get it for a while, for the drive is a long one. My phone was dead upon awakening and I arrived abnormally early to work (a full 30 mins). I receive my first text of the day and it's from him apologizing how he passed out early the night before. A few texts later I go to work and leave my phone to charge. At lunch I retrieve my phone, nothing there but that's normal. FF Evening comes and tonight at midnight the 2nd Hobbit movie comes out. Super excited and I was invited by mutual friend number 2, cool right? Well I arrive and there I am, the thought "why am I here?" runs through my head. as I'm told he is still in love with his ex from previously mentioned mutual friend number 1, my heart dropped from any anticipation that he might started to feel just a wee bit of something for me. The rest of the movie I sat next to him and near the middle he started tapping my foot with his... oh there nothing more than that though. However it wasn't by accident so that's something. Throughout the movie I would put my hand on my knee or on the arm rest that I was sharing with him, hoping he would at the very least touch my hand if not hold it. As you can probably guess nothing ended up happening. When the movie was over mutual friend 2 left immediately as mutual friend 1 and I waited for him to come back from the bathroom. Mutual friend 1 and I caught up on a few things considering I hadn't seen them in a while from being busy and other things. When he arrived we started walking, I knew that we didn't have long together but I needed to play it cool. I grabbed my keys and said "Well have fun walking." I was parked much closer than they were. He stopped and opened up for a hug, I gave him a one armed hug, as a friend would, and saluted as they walked away with a "Caoi" as I drove home the moon shone so yellow, at 3 am the world seems so much different. So I text him, telling him how wicked the moon looked. He didn't see it, but he did say goodnight. When he uses nicknames.... do they hold any meaning behind them? When he says "Goodnight sweetie" or "Get some rest hun" I want to believe that there is a tiny speck of something behind them.. however my mind knows better than my heart. However my heart is a fool. I just hope that I don't get in too deep this time. Well that's all for tonight it's almost 4 in the morning and I have work at 9:30am. YIKES SinsCatastrophe Please do not lead me on, for I would follow you anywhere.